The Everyday Man's Sports Blog

Follow Mike Patton aka The General as he puts his thoughts in on sports.

The 2015 NFL All Ski-Mask Way Offense

(photo courtesy of www.imgarcarde.com)

(photo courtesy of http://www.imgarcarde.com)

After much deliberation by the All Ski-Mask Way Committee, the 2015 NFL All Ski-Mask Way Offense has been set. These are the cream of the crop in guys who had a stronghold on their team’s salary cap. And even though some of them did not accrue as much as others, they surely made the fans of their teams cringe with some of the things they did. Without any further ado, here is the 2015 NFL All Ski-Mask Way offense.

(photo courtesy of Dale Zanine/USA Today Sports)

(photo courtesy of Dale Zanine/USA Today Sports)

Quarterback-Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons ($19.5 million)

“Matt Ryan started the season like a house of fire. But as the season went on, he got worse and worse and worse. He threw some incredibly inexplicable interceptions on his way to 21 interceptions and 16 interceptions. And for the icing on the cake, he managed to take one of the franchise’s best wide receivers, Roddy White, and render him useless. No wonder Roddy was so grumpy this year. Matty Ice was Ice Cold and not in a good way.” –Mike Patton

(photo courtesy of www.philly.com)

(photo courtesy of http://www.philly.com)

Running back-DeMarco Murray, Philadelphia Eagles ($5 million)

“The Eagles had a 7-9 record. Murray averaged 3.6 yards per rush and that is why he makes the list. I blame bad play calling because he still ran for 702 yards on 193 carries. But that just was not good enough, especially following the season he had in 2014. You are a professional and you still need to play like one regardless of what plays are called for you!” –Dan Dinkins

 (AP Photo/J Pat Carter)

(AP Photo/J Pat Carter)

Running back-Lamar Miller, Miami Dolphins ($1.7 million)

“Lamar, 872 yards and a home run threat? You run like an easy out in baseball. You had 175 of your yards in one game. You had eight touchdowns but six were in losing efforts. You’re from The U (my favorite college football team) but run more like Trent Richardson, who is currently jobless after missing wide open holes his whole NFL career.“ –Khalid Boyd

(photo courtesy of David Zalubowski/AP)

(photo courtesy of David Zalubowski/AP)

Tight End-Vernon Davis, San Francisco 49ers/Denver Broncos ($2.2 million)

“At almost 64k per catch, Vernon Davis offered up just the stats you would figure for a second year tight end. At a mere 2.2 million dollars, it’s a steal. Right?? Or is it that HE’S STEALING??   Ol Vern abdicated his throne in San Francisco for a more lucrative one in Chilly Denver. Essentially being paid him to be a human popsicle on the sideline, Vernon played five snaps in week 16. Thirty-eight catches for 394 and barely sniffing the end zone, with an astonishing one touchdown makes Vern the Prince of Thievery this season. Robin Hood should bankroll the Super Bowl party if the Broncos win.” –Khalid Boyd

(photo courtesy the Indy Star)

(photo courtesy the Indy Star)

Wide Receiver- Andre Johnson, Indianapolis Colts ($7.5 million)

“Everyone knew that Andre Johnson was all but finished as a top level receiver. Sure, it’s sad that the best QB he got to play with in 12 seasons for Houston is arguably Matt Schaub. But does that excuse him getting $7.5 million from Indianapolis in 2015? He scored two touchdowns in his first return to Houston against his old Texan team. At the time it was seen as sweet revenge. But when laid out over the course of the season, it looks more like a mild temper tantrum. Recording 41 receptions and 501 yards is something he can put on a resume’ in a future career at the Center for Disease Control. It’s proof that he can walk around the most contagious biohazards of viruses, bacteria, and microorganisms without a hazmat suit and still not catch a single thing.” –Kyle Nash

(photo courtesy Kevin Jairaj/USA Today Sports)

(photo courtesy Kevin Jairaj/USA Today Sports)

Wide Receiver- Dez Bryant, Dallas Cowboys ($7 million)

“A 4-12 record and Bryant only produced 401 yards on 31 receptions along with three touchdowns. He only played in nine games for ‘America’s Team’ and is their number one receiver. But even after injury, he had way too many drops and they contributed to them losing games they could have won! “ –Dan Dinkins

(photo courtesy of Pioneer Press: Scott Takushi)

(photo courtesy of Pioneer Press: Scott Takushi)

Wide Receiver- Mike Wallace, Minnesota Vikings ($9.9 million)

“Mike Wallace becomes the first two-time All Ski-Mask Way team member. Funny thing about him is he changed area codes but still was the same Wallace we knew and love, dropping passes and running back routes. For a guy who made $9.9 million this past season, he should be producing more than 39 receptions for only 473 yards and two touchdowns. He was a bold one to go into every week taking that check and robbing the Vikings blind.” –Mike Patton

(photo courtesy of www.jacksonville.com)

(photo courtesy of http://www.jacksonville.com)

Offensive Tackle- Jermey Parnell, Jacksonville Jaguars ($8 million)

“It is often said that a quarterback’s mouth writes checks that an offensive lineman’s body has to cash. With that in mind, I have no idea what Blake Bortles could have said that deserves Jacksonville’s offensive line giving up 51 sacks in 2015 (the 29th ranked performance among offensive lines in pass protection for the season). But as checks go, Jeremy Parnell has $8 million worth of them hitting that franchise’s salary cap with another $6.5 million coming his way the following year. Arriving as a former member of the distinguished Dallas Cowboy O-Line, I would have expected more and even been inclined to offer some slack having to face the incomparable JJ Watt twice a year. But when a franchise commits $14.5 million guaranteed of a 5 year $32 million deal to a tackle and popular wisdom is that the offensive line is still the weakest component of the team, one must suspect larceny of some kind is afoot.” –Kyle Nash

(photo courtesy of Al Golub/ Record Photo)

(photo courtesy of Al Golub/ Record Photo)

Offensive Tackle-Erik Pears, San Francisco 49ers ($3.35 million)

“A talented O-line is often said to be a wall, but Eric Pears is handed his ski mask because he appears to be more like a perp at a bank heist trying to blow open the wall of the bank vault. Instead of cash, pass rushers stole the currency of sacks to the point where San Francisco was the second worst team in sacks allowed with one of the league’s most mobile starting QBs opening the season. Considering how low the bar was set by 2014 predecessors like Anthony Davis and Jonathan Martin, the performance delivered was a definite theft despite a comparatively modest $3.35 million 2015 cap hit.” –Kyle Nash

(photo courtesy of Jake Roth/USA Today Sports)

(photo courtesy of Jake Roth/USA Today Sports)

Guard- Orlando Franklin, San Diego Chargers ($4.6 million)

“Orlando Franklin, the monstrous left tackle from the San Diego Chargers, makes this list. Playing in only 10 games this season due to injury, knee, concussion, and mental incompetence when healthy, Franklin didn’t stop much this season. And yet and still, for the merest of pricetags of only $4.6 million against the cap in 2015, this return on investment was paltry at best. With the excitement of working the kiddie pool in an amusement park, Franklin provided many times for Philip Rivers to count the lights at Qualcomm.” –Khalid Boyd

(photo courtesy of Jim Brown/ USA Today Sports)

(photo courtesy of Jim Brown/ USA Today Sports)

Guard-Chance Warmack, Tennessee Titans ($3.3 million)

“The Tennessee Titans offensive line was not exactly the greatest line out there. They tried, but their effort was not enough to keep Marcus Mariota upright. Mariota was running for his life and Warmack was the ringleader of this Whiff crew. The former 1st round pick hasn’t played like one as of yet and he could eventually be walking in the locker room to see a pink slip.” –Mike Patton

(photo courtesy of www.clevelandbrowns.com)

(photo courtesy of http://www.clevelandbrowns.com)

Center-Alex Mack, Cleveland Browns ($8 million)

“While Cleveland may have wavered between riding the Josh McCown bandwagon or the Johnny Football train at the quarterback spot, one can definitely mark center Alex Mack a constant as a turn style into the station known as the Browns back field. Ranking 30th in sacks allowed and 22nd in rushing yards per game is bad enough. Doing it in an AFC North division who defense has seen many greats removed from the Dawg’s path in 2015 due to injury or relocation out of said group is even worse. Should the city of Cleveland build a brand new Las Vegas style casino, I expect Mack to be recruited into Ocean’s 14. Goodness knows that his $8 million 2015 cap hit is the spoils of a professional caliber robbery.” –Kyle Nash

(photo courtesy of www.clevelandbrowns.com)

(photo courtesy of http://www.clevelandbrowns.com)

Bernie Madoff Award (Offensive MVP) – Dwayne Bowe, Cleveland Browns ($4.5 million)

“Who better to get this award than Dwayne Bowe? I bet when his name was mentioned, people forgot he was even on their roster. Well, I’m sure Cleveland wishes they saved their money. He truly was pulling a Ponzi scheme on this organization because they surely paid him for failed expectations. Bowe averaged $900,000 per catch. Now that is some high-grade thievery at the wide receiver position.” –Mike Patton

(photo courtesy Associated Press)

(photo courtesy Associated Press)

Head coach- Mike Pettine, Cleveland Browns (Khalid/Dan Dinkins)

“Pettine was overmatched every week. It’s like you fight dudes with slingshots in a shootout. I’m glad you’re gone.” –Khalid Boyd

“Even though I do believe Cleveland is a losing situation no matter who is there, he proved that even as the coach he could not be a “game manager”. 3-13 for a team that many had high hopes for is just despicable! What was even more a tragedy is how he managed his quarterbacks. McCoy was just booty juice and Manziel couldn’t stay off the bottle. Maybe he needs to fall back as a coordinator somewhere or go to college and grab a head coaching job there.” -Dan Dinkins

Stay tuned for the All Ski-Mask Way defense!

Advertisements

Single Post Navigation

4 thoughts on “The 2015 NFL All Ski-Mask Way Offense

  1. Robert Thomas Brown on said:

    Mike you said ” I bet when his name was mentioned, people forgot he was even on their roster” Oh no Mike, I’m from Cleveland and it became the Dwayne Bowe show on all of talk radio everyday. He’s the ringleader of this ski-mask crew. I love the Bernie Madoff award lol, good article guys

  2. Pingback: The 2015 NFL All Ski-Mask Way Defense | The Everyday Man's Sports Blog

  3. This was legit good. Nice way to tell players to earn those checks.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: